The Speech Before Saint Patrick's Day

Yesterday, surrounded by supporters, snappily dressed on the eve before Saint Patrick's Day, Randy spoke on the crisis facing our city, and what we can to to make a positive change for the better.

"The news coming from the Deep Playa today has confirmed our fears that the dustouts from the PBR crisis of 2006 have spilled over into the wider economy of the playa. Far too long have our coolers been filled with inferior brands of canned beer, promoted and encouraged by the established elite of the Playa. Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, and of all horrors, Budweiser, the self-proclaimed King of Beers, have trodden down upon those who desire cold refreshment in the desert, without relinquishing our individuality."

"In 2008, we must remember our commitments and our strengths, and that many of these commitments and strengths are fueled by the tasty malt beverage that comes in a can of blue, white, and red labeling. Our bretheren who drink Rainier and Pabst Blue Ribbon must never fear the days when they find themselves clutching the oppressive "King of Beers", or worse, embracing a "Champagne of Beers" in the midst of a whiteout."

"History shall not judge Larry Harvey kindly for his failure to act in a way that could have prevented or alleviated the crisis of beer. There have been few leaders in the past so out of touch with the desires of their constituents; so separated from the consumption choices, so aggregriously beholden to the special interested of Big Ice and Big Coffee that the leadership should promote inferior brands requiring colder coolers to maintain drinkability in the desert. Whether it was the crisis of the Wine Cooler in 2005, the cheap rum incident of 2004, or the great PBR drought of 2006, Larry Harvey and his minions have made hardworking Burners thirstier than ever with their policies."
    
"Nowhere has this failure been more pronounced than in the established government's refusal to address the plight of caffeine addicts and trash fence suppliers. Half-measures are simply not enough; it is time to break free and envelop all in orange trash fence. The principle policies of lassez-faire beeronomics have spilled over and threatens our very way of life."

"At this moment, we must come together, brothers and sisters, to address these crises in our city, to heal the wounds of the past. We should pass the legislation that I have proposed, along with my esteemed colleagues from Deathguild, creating incentives for increased positive maltiness throughout the Black Rock Region. It is not a bailout for drinkers who consume recklessly, nor is it a windfall for those too stupid to bring their own beer. It is a fair, and responsible way to stem the crisis as it stands now."

"We must admit that this is a long haul, and there are many who oppose us. It will require effort and strength, unity and justice. It will require the acknowledgement, that though we have faced adversity in the past, we can come together, to unite against Big Ice and Big Coffee, to bring prosperity and PBR to all in the Black Rock City. We are one people, and our beer is not our King."

After Randy spoke, he was enveloped in the flag of Black Rock City, and borne off on the shoulders of his supporters, chanting their support. It is rumored that three of the most ardent supporters of the opposing campaign, which spent the day at My Little Pony Land in Knoxville, Tennesee, drumming up support amongst the constituency there, are strongly considering making the switch to Randy, as the candidate more in touch with the needs of Black Rock City.

Stay tuned....